


Heaven or Hell

by Carolinathousandcities



Category: Carol (2015), The Price of Salt - Patricia Highsmith
Genre: Alternate Ending, F/F
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-03-14
Updated: 2016-03-14
Packaged: 2018-05-26 14:25:17
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,087
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6242902
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Carolinathousandcities/pseuds/Carolinathousandcities
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>A slightly alternate ending to the movie in which Jack doesn't interrupt during the Ritz conversation. </p>
<p>'I love you.' <br/>The cacophony in Therese's head faded to unsettling silence. For the first time that night she forced herself to look at Carol. Really look. She hadn't done it earlier because she knew the second she did something inside her would just- snap.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Heaven or Hell

**Author's Note:**

> Deals a little with some religious questions so if that might offend/upset anyone in any way you've been warned!

She sat in a booth facing the street, the cloudy glass in front of her causing the rest of the world to appear hazy, like she wasn't really a part of it at all. One hand held her head up, the point where her chin met the back of her wrist had started to ache a long time ago. Now she could hardly feel it. The only thing she could feel was the palm of her left hand, and it was burning, almost scalding actually, wrapped around a cup of coffee.   
She didn't let go.

Therese closed her eyes for a few beats, shifting in the chair slightly. God she was tired. Work was- _Energetic? Everything she'd always wanted? Empty._ But at least it got her out of bed in the morning.

Opening her eyes she stared straight ahead. Almost unseeing. Two women came into view. Ordinary women, Therese didn't even see their faces, because suddenly her whole world narrowed down to the fact that these two women were holding hands.   
Therese's own hand was completely filled by a cup of coffee, but it suddenly felt entirely and irreversibly empty. She looked down at the table, studying the pock marked wood and felt the familiar heaviness filling her stomach from the bottom up. An insatiable anger directed at nobody but herself. _You need to stop_. Unbidden memories of red fingernails flitted across the inside of her eyelids, a movie Therese hadn't even bought tickets to see and yet here she was.   
_Perfectly manicured and on her counter at Frankenburg's, lightly resting on the rim of her dry martini, disappearing into her gloves as she took the wheel, almost desperately contracting on Rindy's back, hard and yet soft on her shoulders as she played the piano, a stark contrast against her own skin as a single finger brushed under her eyelid to stop a tear from falling inside Therese's apartment, wrapped around a mug as she had asked would you?, perfect in comparison to the woman who admitted them into the hotel, almost too gentle to bear as they combed through her hair, sharp and real on her throat as they'd kissed, making visible tracks across her back as they had moved togeth-_   
**_She's gone._**

Opening her eyes Therese just caught the back of the two women as they disappeared from view. She sighed, checking the time. 8:30. She'd managed to make it two and a half hours without actively thinking about _her_.   
Yesterday she'd only made it one.

"Did you see those women?"  
Therese nearly jumped out of her skin. _Surely her face couldn't have given-_ but when she looked around the man in the booth next to her own wasn't addressing her, but instead, another man, who looked up from his newspaper, almost bewildered, "You only just married Cynthia surely you-'  
'No, idiot.' Therese withdrew back into her booth, just listening now. 'They were holding hands.'  
Therese heard shuffling as the newspaper was shoved to the table, 'Friends do that all the time, I mean, you know how woman are, always-'  
"They weren't friends. I could tell.'  
Silence.  
'Surely if they were actually, _y'know_ , they wouldn't do that in the middle of the street. I mean, did they look-'  
'Queer?' The word was spat out and Therese nearly cringed. 'Absolutely.'  
Silence again.  
'Well then.' An awkward pause, 'Do you think people like that know they're going to Hell?'  
A beat, and then a sneering tone, 'I expect they're so perverted that they've rejected the notion of God and even Satan completely. That type have no notion of right or wrong.'  
'But surely they've at least _heard_ \- I mean, what's that verse again? Everyone should've heard-'  
'Argh, fucked if I know, something about not inheriting the kingdom of God.'  
Therese heard a grunt of agreement. She closed her eyes again, just for a second, before rising and doing her best not to run out of the little shop. The men didn't even look up. Swallowing deeply she fought the rising feeling of illness in her stomach and did her best not to choke on the freezing cold air. She looked around before starting to walk nowhere and yet anywhere else. She'd brought her coffee with her but with a dull ache in her chest she couldn't help but recognise that her hand still felt empty.

**

There was either not enough air, or there was too much air, and as Carol Aird sat down across from her in the Ritz hotel Therese couldn't decide which she would prefer.

'It's nice of you to see me.'   
Therese felt her pulse quicken. She had, in fact been tempted not to come, but- 'Don't say that.' Carol's gaze remained on her, and Therese felt the contradiction once again. How could her eyes feel both completely foreign and like coming home all at once?

Carol spoke again, continuing and Therese answered as minimally as possible. Her brain, insides, _being_ were rife with conflict. Therese used to think of her life as a photograph - everything important to her contained in one image. Carol had taken a pair of scissors to her photograph and chopped the image of herself right out. Harshly. Jaggedly. In a way that nothing else would fill the hole she had left because nothing else came with so many edges, angles. Therese had spent the last few months trying to patch the void that had been left behind. She had almost succeeded but-

'I was hoping you might like to come and live with me, but I guess you won't. Would you?'

And suddenly there were two photographs on the insides of her eyelids. One was an old image of herself, her work, and a giant patched up hole. The other had a living room she didn't recognise and...Carol. Everywhere.   
No. There definitely wasn't enough air. Therese wanted to close her eyes. Wanted to be anywhere but here. The sounds of the hotel around them faded.   
_Would you? Yes._  
 _Would you? Yes. Yes I would._  
 _Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes- I should've said no to you. But I never say no. And it's selfish because I take- everything. Because I don't know anything. I don't know what I want. How could I if I just say yes to everything?_  
 _Would you?_

'No I don't think so.' And the picture of Carol imprinted on her brain faded away leaving a torn up photograph of herself behind.

Therese had a vague notion she might be sick. Her breath coming in shallow little intakes. Just enough to live. She could hardly hear Carol speaking for all the noise inside her head. Her only consolation was knowing she looked the same outwardly. The past few months had been nothing, if not a master class in putting on a front. Carol must think her awfully cold-

**_'I love you.'_ **

The cacophony in Therese's head faded to unsettling silence. For the first time that night she forced herself to look at Carol. Really look. She hadn't done it earlier because she knew the second she did something inside her would just- _snap_. Grey-blue eyes glassy with-  
Carol's eyes were dangerously, fiercely almost, empty, save for a thread of desperate hope just under the surface. A dull ache formed in Therese's chest as she realized that the woman in front of her had nothing left to lose.

The torn up image of herself in Therese's mind disappeared from view and she couldn't think of a single thing to say.  
Finally, 'Carol, people say that we'll go to Hell for being...the way we are.' Therese heard her own voice tremble and stutter over the words, hating the taste of their meaning as they left her mouth but reveling in the use of _we_.

Time seemed to slow. Therese watched through smoke filled air as desperation and watery blue turned to something more closely resembling a storm cloud without even a blink.   
'I'd trade an eternity in Hell for whatever time you're willing to give me with you.'

'Carol,' Therese whispered her name like a prayer and blonde curls bobbed as the woman opposite her shook her head.

'The devil may be a long way off Therese. But you're in front of me now. I never was very patient.'   
Carol's mouth quivered slightly as she finished speaking, a small heartbreaking smile and suddenly Therese could see a new photograph. A little blurry. Not fully developed. But undeniably containing two figures.

Therese sucked in a breath of air. Slowly, without saying a word she extended her hand across the table top, resting her smaller hand immediately next to Carol's, not quite touching.

Nothing. Then-

Neither broke eye contact, Carol's eyes remained glassy, but a finally, finally, a smaller pinkie moved, coming to rest over the top of a red tipped one, locking on.

**

'Drink?'

Long fingers contracted around the can of beer Therese held out, brushing briefly against Therese's skin before setting the can down on the small coffee table, stained with the marks of different glass rims.   
Therese half leant, half sat on the small kitchen bench of her apartment, noting the way Carol, for the first time since she'd known her, ignored a drink, instead electing to look around her, intently studying the photographs adorning the walls, either in mismatched frames, or none at all. She watched Carol's eyes flicker from image to image, appearing to move through the second half incredibly quickly before coming to rest on Therese's face. She lingered there for the same amount of time she had taken to study all the photographs combined.

Her voice was low, quiet, _loaded_ , when she finally spoke, 'None from our trip.'

Therese looked down at the can in her hand as she shook her head. Then back up, 'Someone once told me to use whatever feels right. Throw away the rest.'

Carol nodded curtly once, and then just moved her head up and down in a ghost of the gesture as she studied the cabinet just behind Therese's head. She was speaking more to herself than Therese when she finally did make a noise, 'You threw them away.'  
She reached for the beer she had left on the coffee table.

Therese sighed deeply, watching as Carol combed her fingers roughly through her hair, and then tipped the can up to her lips. Her drink lasted a second too long for it to be casual.

'I tried to.' Therese's voice was quiet, and she studied the floor in front of her as she spoke, sensing Carol still. 'But-' and suddenly the words got stuck in her throat so she turned, crossing the kitchen to open the cabinet under the sink. Head in the cupboard she felt dizzy. She hadn't taken these pictures out in weeks, but Carol was here _now_. Slowly, she stood, clutching the pile of photographs in one hand. She looked down at them and then up at Carol, and if the apartment wasn't so quiet, if Carol wasn't studying her face so hard she was afraid it might break, nobody would've heard her when she spoke, 'Well I couldn't.' She shrugged, 'They were all of you.'

And without moving her body at all Carol changed. Half of her mouth extended into the smallest heartbreaking smile. And her eyes brimmed with a mixture of such unabashed and desperate _hope_ and _pain_ that Therese's chest hurt.

Carol stayed sitting as she whispered, almost as though she were afraid to move, 'I'm sorry.' And before Therese would've said it was impossible to convey two months worth of sadness and separation and _need_ into two words but Carol did.

Therese closed her eyes and tried to still the wild fluttering in her chest.   
Carol was gambling again, only this time she truly had something to lose. Therese forced air deep into her lungs and then crossed the kitchen, coming to stand immediately in front of Carol, her hand dangling by her side, level with Carol's shoulders. She extended the hand forward, just barely, and Carol's eyes left Therese's face to study her hand for what felt like an eternity, before she finally reached up and held on, red nails stark against the paleness of Therese's skin.

Therese watched as Carol's shoulders finally relaxed and her eyes slid shut. Therese's hand was finally full again, but it wasn't quite enough. She pulled, her hand back toward her, just slightly, watching as Carol's eyes flew open. Therese pulled again, barely.  
Carol stood, brushing her skirt down with her free hand. She nodded, softly in response to Therese's eyes which somehow said _this discussion isn't over_ , but when Therese pulled again gently, she followed, leaving her drink on the table.  
  
Therese could hardly hear anything over the beating of her heart in her ears as she walked, her hand wrapped in Carol's trailing behind her. She stopped as soon as she reached her room, looking over her shoulder as if to ask whether or not this was okay. Carol stepped even closer behind Therese in answer, her front not quite touching Therese's back, and then they crossed through the doorway, Therese turning to face Carol at the foot of her bed.

For such a long time there was only their breathing and their eyes, as they looked at one another, until eventually, Therese stepped out of her shoes and reached gently for the button on Carol's jacket, sliding it back off her shoulders. Carol's eyes fluttered shut for a second, before she too stepped a little closer, and then around Therese, sliding down the zipper at the back of Therese's dress. And then, in what felt like both an age, and a second, they were facing each other in their slips, drinking each other in. Carol's hands stayed by her sides, allowing Therese to make the moves, and so Therese stepped closer, walking Carol backward, slowly, until her legs brushed against the foot of Therese's bed. Taking a shuddering breath Therese pulled her last pieces of clothing, slip and undergarments, up and over her head. She felt liquid fire when Carol nodded quickly after she tilted her head, Therese's way of asking if she could do the same to her.

When there was finally nothing between them Carol sat gently on the edge of the bed, just _looking_. But Therese didn't give her a chance, sliding quickly, but still hesitantly onto Carol's lap. Pupils darkened at the feel of bare skin finally, _finally_ touching. But lost in Carol's gaze, fingertips tracing a pale jaw Therese still couldn't breathe. Carol lay down beneath her, eyes dark from underneath her lids and _God. God._ Therese felt an unassailable certainty that anything this beautiful, anything this equal and _loving_ could not be a sin. But as she trailed her fingers down over Carol's shoulders, eyes raking over the woman before her she knew that even if it was, she would go to Hell and consider it Heaven.

Therese splayed her fingers out wide over Carol's chest, her palm resting flat along Carol's sternum, the tip of her middle finger just dipping into the hollow of her throat. The way Carol tilted her head back, exposing her throat made Therese dizzy.   
Legs either side of Carol's hips, and hovering just over Carol's waist Therese leaned forward, other hand tracing down Carol's arm to weave their fingers together. Therese contracted the fingers on Carol's chest slightly, while looking down through her hair. Her voice was quiet, but clearly audible when she finally whispered, 'You can't leave me like that again.'

Carol stilled completely under Therese as soon as the words slipped into the air. The only thing not perfectly still was the slight up and down movement of Carol's chest as she breathed under Therese's palm. Suddenly, her eyes flew open, hooded, but undeniably alert. Therese was rendered mute by the intensity of the gaze. Seconds passed, minutes even, before Carol's blonde curls started move as she shook her head softly.  
'Never,' she breathed, allowing a mere beat before pulling Therese down and against her mouth with a hand wrapped around the back of her neck. Kissing Therese's jaw, throat, _mouth_ , she punctuated her actions with breathy little repetitions of, 'Never, **never**.’  
Eventually, Therese pulled back, allowing them a second to just breathe, and then, without letting her eyes leave Carol's, she lowered herself so that their fronts were flush together. Her breath hitched at the slight upward jerk of Carol's hips, and she groaned at the soft scrape of Carol's teeth against her jaw. Her heart started to beat a little faster as she felt one of Carol's arms snake around her back and she willed herself to relax as Carol slowly started to roll them over, unhurried, but with a clear intention. Heart in her throat she arched her neck back to give Carol greater access to her pulse point, while her own fingers scraped and soothed patterns across Carol's back, thumbs sometimes grazing the sides of Carol's breasts. She gasped when she felt the open mouthed kiss left just below her navel, but managed to swallow the groan as the beating of her heart got almost too much to bear. A breathy, 'Not yet, I need to feel _you_ ,' nearly fell out of her mouth, only just before it was entirely consumed by Carol, and then suddenly Carol rolled so she was underneath Therese yet again. And when Therese broke their mouths apart to catch her breath she could've sworn that, as Carol's legs moved apart beneath her, the grey eyes looking up were the clearest they'd ever been.

Therese took her time with Carol, savoring every twitch as she scraped her teeth against bare skin, _breasts, ribs, hips_ , trying to remember every groan as she soothed the same places with her tongue immediately afterwards. Every few seconds she would stop and look up to find dark eyes watching her, and when she did finally make her way down to between Carol's legs the shuddering of the thighs either side of her head, and the breathy little, 'fuck,' that escaped Carol's mouth was more than enough to reassure Therese that she was well and truly **_real_**. And the tugging on her hand, her hair, only seconds after Carol had gone limp with Therese's name on her lips was more than enough to reassure Therese that she was **_staying._**

**

_I choose a lifetime of Heaven with you and an eternity in Hell over a lifetime without you and the possibility of Heaven afterwards._   


**Author's Note:**

> This has been posted to my tumblr - itwouldbecarolinathousandcities so if there's anything you want to discuss regarding this fic or Carol in general, feel free to head on over to my ask box :)


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